Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
