it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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