If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize