sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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