i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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