My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
