She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize