My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
