A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
