I faked an abortion last night.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
