You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
