the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
