I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
