your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
