Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
