Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
