$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
