can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
