Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize