im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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