That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
soo... how was my night?
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