I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
