I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
