i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
