Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
