Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
