My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
