My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
