You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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