He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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