i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
