don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
