I'm so fucking centered right now
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
