She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
