So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
