I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
