I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
