first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
