Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize