i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
