I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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