Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize