you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
