The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
