I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
