just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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