Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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