the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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