This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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