I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
