So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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