grandma shit on top of the toilet
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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