My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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