I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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