My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
