the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
