Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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