I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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