you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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