I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Randomize
