Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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