So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
