I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
only if we run a train.
done.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
