i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
