I'm drive I can fine osifer
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
