so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
