so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize