Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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